Don't hate the good

Don’t hate the player, don’t hate the game

I’m sure you’re wondering about this post’s title. Who would hate good things? Sounds obvious that we would enjoy or at most ignore them, but hate them?

Let’s explain with a story. You’re at work, your projects are piling up along with the stress, and you do what you can to not fall behind, and suddenly your coworker comes to you again with questions that they should have known by now. It has become a routine, they come to you with questions, so much so that you can’t barely keep up with your own work. Frustrating, right?

Maybe you had a tough day and all you want to do is to have a date night with your partner, but when they come home they say a quick “hello” and start doing house chores. You wait for them to talk to you but they’re just so focused on other things that you feel ignored.

The more obvious, common-place takeaway from these stories is that we need to communicate better, and have clearer boundaries and expectations. However, there’s a different message I would like to discuss.

The problem starts with how we judge these interactions. Even if they don’t go as you want them to, that doesn’t mean they’re inherently “bad”.

It is shocking how many conflicts are caused because people have different perceptions of what is considered “good” or a desired outcome.

We are so entrenched in how we see the world, and how the interaction affects us, that we fail to see the values and motives behind the other’s actions.

“Nagging” Colleagues trust you, they value you as their mentor, and they acknowledge your expertise. Perhaps they are frustrated that it’s a one-way connection, that they can’t help you the way that you help them.

Your partner probably tried to take care of things so that you could relax. They have expressed their care using their love language, which might be different than your own.

Would you have liked to be someone who is ignored or whose opinions teammates undervalue? Would you want your partner to be self-centered, rather than expressing their love the way they know how?

Even if the method or the final result is not optimal, usually the interactions in our close relationships are based on care, respect, and empathy.

Saying it, and feeling it are two different things.

Our default is to judge the situation from our perspective, it’s crazy to think that we can be a perfect stoic, an unbiased observer at all times. By default, we will get angry, frustrated, or disappointed.

The question is what do we do the moment after we feel these feelings.

I can’t stop myself from feeling it, but I can choose how to act on it. On my better days, I stop and ask myself “Did they try to do good?”

Almost always the answer is yes, but simply asking myself that question calms me down. It allows me ever so slightly to get out of my head, and have a glimpse of how they see the world.

Instead of my “good” and their “good”, we can create together “our good”, a basis for shared understanding and cooperation.

So don’t hate the good, see what lies behind it, and heck, you might even like it.

Ask yourself

1. Have you had times where you tried to do good, but received frustration in return?
2. When was the last time I got mad? What has caused it?
3. What were the intentions behind the other person’s actions?
4. Could there be a more optimistic/altruistic reason for it?
5. How could you better communicate your reasons to others?

Conclusion

We have a tendency to become frustrated, angry, or resent things that are actually good in our lives. Embracing, rather than denying the good in our lives is a matter of perspective, yet as is with any case of anger and frustration, we first have to stop, calm down, and reflect until we can see the positive side.
​
​