Self love and change

They say that you can't change without loving yourself first, but that seems paradoxical.

Change by definition means out with the old and in with the new, it's a rejection of what exists to make room for the "better" version, so how could self-love even make sense?

If we love ourselves too much, won't we want to stay exactly as we are?

For years I thought that I needed to be ruthless towards myself, that by being my worst critic I would overcome the fear and laziness of change.

Like a drill sergeant I will erase the parts of myself that I don't like, and work effortlessly to develop the good parts. I would break me down to build myself back up again.

The "pain" of being hard towards myself seemed like the price I have to pay, similar to physical workouts where "no pain no gain".

It took me a while to see how harmful that perception was.

Imagine yourself as a captain of a ship. The ship is not great, you've seen better. The color fades in places, some parts are rusty, and it is far from the dream boat that could take you where you want to go.

What would happen if you hate that ship for all that it's not? For all it's flaws and imperfections? Hate won't magically turn it into your dream boat, on the contrary, you would either harm it yourself, or simply neglect it. Without proper maintenance and care, the ship would worsen even faster.

Alternatively, if you loved the ship despite it's flaws, you would take good care of it. You would replace the broken parts, paint it every once in a while, and even invest time and money into improving it. It might never become your dream boat, but it will be the best boat you can have.

Yes, the metaphor was a bit "on the nose", but you get the picture. You can't grow into something beautiful out of self-hatred. Hatred is a vicious mindset, if we hate who we are now we would find things to hate even if/when we become better people.

Even if we could push ourselves hard enough until good habits are the default, we would be miserable, feeling like slaves to ourselves, never good enough, never deserving love or appreciation.

But can we even change with that mindset? When we hate ourselves, what's the point of getting better? Hatred and belittling go hand in hand. We probably believe deep inside that at best we can only do marginal changes, or hide our bad qualities but never get rid of them.

It is a self-fulfilling prophecy of steady unhappiness, like being Sisyphus driving that rock up a hill.

Loving ourselves is not narcissism. It is believing in our potential. Becoming a better person requires work from the "lesser" version of ourselves. Doing that work isn't easy so if we managed to change, it is only because we already possessed the qualities needed to do so.

To love ourselves means to be our own gardener, to enjoy seeing ourselves blossom. .

To love ourselves means to love all the different parts of ourselves, the good and the bad, and all the versions of ourselves, past and future.

While it is never easy being human, to balance between doing and being "more", with the satisfaction of who we are and what we have now, I hope that you have time to stop and appreciate yourself.

Self compassion will lessen the paradox, by increasing the satisfaction from who you are, while also giving you the strength to become better.

Further Reading

​Master of Change (book)​
​The Happiness Advantage (book)​
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